Don't forget to breath
by yuuram2fangirl
Summary: How terrible it is to love something that death can touch. One sided Sirius/James, from birth till death of Sirius.


**_Don't forget to breathe_**

 **Disclaimer:** **I do not own Harry Potter.**

 **Author Notes:** **My first story so excuse me if it is a bit lacking. Reviews ad suggestions are appreciated!**

The Black Family rejoices on Friday as they get a much needed heir. Mrs. Black, despite the pain of the labor, smiles satisfactorily as she takes her child, her _son_ , in her hands. There is no love in her gaze as she stares at him but there is the satisfaction of a job well done.

The baby is too small, too tiny, to be of much use right now but she knows that with the right training he will soon be worthy of the title of a Black.

He has to be.

He is the only heir now with the rest being girls and Mrs. Black feels a vicious sense of satisfaction that she is the one to have borne the Noble House of Black an heir. She may not openly rub it in their faces but the news will be enough of a snub.

She glances down one last time at the baby. At the shock of black hair and the aristocratic features hidden behind the infants round face and she smiles.

She is sure that Sirius Orion Black will grow up to be the perfect son and heir, a man worthy of the Black name.

But until then she will wait.

* * *

The ideals that are drilled in his head sounds so very right to him that he never thinks of even questioning them.

He is the greatest of them all.

His blood is pure and that is all that matters.

No one should mess with the family line.

It is easy for him to keep all of these in his mind as he looks down on the people around him even in his own family.

He scowls and frowns when Andromeda runs away- she is- had been- his favorite cousin but she had to run away with trash and lose all respect in his eyes.

Despite that, somewhere deep in his heart, he still has the same adoration and respect that he had for her when he spent time with her. The fact that she married a Muggle born does nothing to wane it.

But he knows what he is feeling is wrong, and that he isn't really supposed to feel like that so he squashes everything and keeps his face straight when she is burnt off the family tree.

"Such a shame." His mother turns towards Andromeda's mother as Bella and Nacrissa stands behind her. "Maybe you should have taken more interest in what your youngest daughter was involving herself with." And Sirius knows that his mother has no sympathy for the woman who has lost her daughter but only feels a vicious sense of satisfaction that she can once again prove that her children are greater.

He feels distinctly unsettled by that but he still holds on to his beliefs that he is the greatest.

After all, everyone around him tells him the exact same thing so why shouldn't it be true?

* * *

It isn't until he sits on Hogwarts Express and meets the Potter boy did his conviction start to break down. The boy himself is nothing remarkable. He has messy hair with hazel eyes hidden behind the glasses and a thin face; nothing like the aristocratic features Sirius is bestowed with. Yet he holds Sirius attention since the time he enters the cabin and introduces himself.

He has been around a few children his age but most of them are from the pureblood family and are quiet and don't speak unless spoken too. This boy, on the other hand, is outspoken and blunt. He doesn't seem to care about the fact that his opinions may not be welcomed in a few places. It doesn't help that he keeps grinning that wide grin of his that holds Sirius enraptured.

Of course, his parents told him about the Potters.

"Blood traitors, the lot of them." She had once snarled. "It will do you good to keep away from them even if they are purebloods Sirius." She instructed him and while he normally obeys her without any questions this one time he wants to make an exception.

This boy is so _bright_ that everything around him seemed to pale in comparison. His smile and his eyes are full of glee even when Sirius introduces himself; like the fact that his family gambles in Dark magic didn't even _matter_.

Sirius had met kids who are afraid of him, who likes to suck up to get in his good graces and even kids who don't care about him. But he never met anyone who is so open and free and ready to give everything without even expecting something from him.

"I want to be in Gryffindor!"

And Sirius decision is made even though he doesn't know it yet.

* * *

He spends the first week feeling miserable and sad. His mood only worsens when he gets the letter the next day of the sorting that calls him a disgrace to the family name. He is thankful that they hadn't sent a Howler or else he doesn't think he would have been able to control himself.

There are several times a day when he thinks of killing himself.

By the end of the week he decides to try it.

Because without his blood what is he?

And it is when he is holding the potions knife over his wrist that the door bangs open and in comes the reason he is in this mess. He freezes and so does the intruder. He stares into James Potter hazel eyes that had widened at the sight of the knife.

He wants to open his mouth and say something, anything that will not drive the boy away or make him complain to the teachers. But his voice is lost and all he can do is to stare at the boy who looks so hurt and confused.

Just when Sirius thinks that he is going to be reported to the teachers James comes forward and tugs the knife from his hand.

"Don't." And he hugs Sirius so tightly that he feels himself choke a bit.

But it is also surprising how much more easily he can breathe even when James is choking the life out of him.

Maybe this is what friendship was all about.

* * *

Their pair of two has grown into a gang of four and Sirius loves the other two as much as he loves himself.

 _(But never like how he loves James)_

Remus Lupin is the next closest person to Sirius after James and he feels that he can relate to the silent boy more than he can relate to James because the boy knows how it is to be isolated from others and never to receive love from your parents.

How to feel lonely even when surrounded by people.

Of course Remus never says so out loud but Sirius is adept at picking up the small clues that are left around. They never openly talk about it but it is silently acknowledged.

Maybe that's the reason why Remus is the first person to realize what Sirius felt for James is more than mere friendship. But like it had been silently agreed upon, the topic is never discussed out loud. But the glances and looks that Remus throws Sirius when he is staring at James for a bit to longer than normal is enough to convince Sirius that Remus knows about it.

And he can never be thankful enough for the werewolf to keep it to himself.

Peter Pettisgrew on the other hand is the kind of person Sirius detests. But as time goes on the rat faced boy slowly grows on Sirius until he eventually accepts him as a brother Marauder.

Yes he still makes fun of the boy but it is less cruel and mocking than before and he glares at Remus when the werewolf smiles sweetly as Sirius helps Peter with his Transfiguration homework for the first time in third year. He doesn't admit it to Remus that it is only because he feels deeply ashamed when he thinks about the fact that people are not born equal and it isn't their mind, body or problems that define them but rather how they act towards other and how they face their troubles that do.

After all, he is one of the most flawed people out there and yet he is still lucky enough to have friends who love him and who he loves back.

* * *

Sirius isn't a fool. He is one of the smartest students in Hogwarts and though he isn't bookish smart as Remus he is far from stupid.

No matter how much Remus insists that he can be as dense as James when it comes to body language and other things that don't need to be voiced out loud he is actually quite observant.

He hides his observant nature behind the careless attitude that he adopts.

But that doesn't mean he can ignore the fact that James is starting to talk more fondly about Lily Evans. The girl who used to be 'Irritating Evans's' is now 'Pretty flower.' James never calls her that in front of the Marauders but he hears James whispering it to himself once in class as he stares at the back of her head.

And his heart aches.

James voice is always filled with joy and excitement and a boyish quality that always enraptured Sirius but when she is nearby his voice deepens as he tries to impress her.

And his hands clenches into a fist.

He notices the way James tousles his hair and plays with the snitch when they sit under the tree near the lake as the girls giggle on the other side with Evans at their center.

He closes his eyes.

He doesn't miss the way James eyes follow every moment Evans makes as she laughs with her friends during Lunch or when she diligently takes down notes during class.

And he acts like he doesn't notice anything else.

 _(Though he has already noticed the look in James eyes that he recognizes as the one he sees in his own grey eyes whenever he looks into the mirror)_

 _(Love)_

* * *

He is soaking wet as he stands on the front steps of the house that always feels like his second home. His first home is Hogwarts but he cannot go there during summer so this is the only place left for him.

He stands there for a long time debating whether or not to knock on the door.

But before he can finally decide whether to knock or to turn and return to the rain the door opens wide and the bright hazel eyes stare at him with worry shining in them.

James doesn't ask any questions but merely ushers Sirius in.

James parents look like they are about to ask him but he sees James shooting them a look and they leave the two boys alone.

None of them talk as Sirius dries up and changes into his clothes.

They always share the King size bed in James room whenever he visits and today is no different.

Except for the fact that James presses up against him instead of keeping his distance. And he finds himself hugging James tightly and though there are no tears or sobs he is still shaking and shivering and James holds him tight and he finds himself wishing that James never let go.

 _(But it is only one night and next night they are on the other ends of the bed once again like it is supposed to be)_

 _(And Sirius doesn't know whether he should be thankful for the distance so his heart doesn't ache when they separate or bitter that he has already lost his heart to the messy haired boy no matter how much far away James slept)_

* * *

"Sirius." Lily comes to stand beside him and it is all he can do to avoid lashing out at her.

"How could you?" He hisses, aware that this isn't the place they are supposed to be talking but he doesn't want to go somewhere comfortable with her. It will suit the mood more if they stand out in the storm on the Astronomy Tower.

"It was bad enough when you rejected his offers of dates." He ground out still not looking at her. "But at least then you outright rejected him. But this-" He at last turns to face her with his fiercest expression on his face and he hears her take a deep breath but pays it no mind. "This is just plain cruel."

He idly notes that she is shaking, not because of the cold but because of his words but he cannot bring himself to care. She broke the heart of the one person whose love he can never have in the way he wants and she doesn't even feel remorseful about it.

"Padfo-"

"Don't call me that!" He snaps taking a step back as though to put more physical distance between them.

She doesn't try to come near but only stares at him with green, green eyes that James had on many occasions compared with emeralds. But to him it only looked like poison that had killed everything that got trapped in its gaze.

"I know." His eyebrows furrow at that and he wonders what in the world is she talking about.

"You may be able to fake loving someone but you cannot hide it." She says and he suddenly understands what she is talking about.

He turns away from her and looks out into the storm taking some comfort in the lightning and thunder. But it doesn't last for long as she continues to stare at him.

"Do you want to rub it in my face? That you have him and I don't? Because I am well aware of that fact thank you very much." She has him and yet she pushed him away.

"I didn't want to come in between both of you." She confesses and he freezes, staring at her with surprise spilling onto his features as she turns her head away this time and look away.

"What do you mean?"

"I- I couldn't say yes to him when I knew you loved him. It wouldn't be fair." Her green, green eyes looked at him beseechingly. He now understands what Remus means when he says that Lily is one of the kindest person he knows.

"You shouldn't worry about me." He holds his hand up and she starts to protest. "I love him. But he loves you. And I am sure that you aren't that blind that you cannot see that." He takes a deep breath and continues; even though he feels like his heart is being ripped out with every word he utters.

"Say yes. Please. I know you love him. And he loves you even more." He titles his head up and smiles. "Isn't love all about letting the person you love go and wish for their happiness?"

He hears a choked sob and closes his eyes to prevent himself from crying.

The heavens were already doing that for him.

* * *

He knows it is wrong.

But it feels right.

He takes a deep breath and presses tiny kisses to the pale neck. He doesn't exactly remember how it had come to this point but he remembers a lot of drinking and Remus just _being there_ while James had already taken Lily and left.

And he would probably never be back.

 _(At the very least, when he did return he would be a changed person)_

 _(That's what marriage does)_

 _(It changes people)_

Sirius feels hands brace on his shoulder and instead of pulling him closer it tries to shove him away. "Stop Padfoot!" Moony's panicked voice breaks through his drunken haze but he chooses to ignore it.

"Sirius!" There is more screaming but Sirius doesn't give up on his pursuits and continues biting and licking on the strip of flesh; he is determined to mark it.

 _(And it looks like he is succeeding with the slight reddish mark that is starting to bloom on Remus's neck)_

"SIRIUS!"

And suddenly he is shoved away with such force that it couldn't have been the werewolf's natural strength. And Sirius notices how Remus entire stance had turned offensive as he stands glaring at Sirius.

The fact that he performed accidental magic at this age is a statement of how angry he is.

And the evidence for this is the stinging slap delivered on his left cheek. He could feel the pain bloom on his face but he doesn't respond and keeps his face turned away from his friend.

"What the hell," Remus grits out. "Do you think you are trying to do?"

Sirius keeps silent as he stares fascinated at the peeling wallpaper on the other side of the flat.

"Padfoot!" He snaps as he turns Sirius face towards him.

Sirius doesn't know what expression he is sporting but whatever it is, it makes Remus stop short and stare at him for a full moment. Sirius lips twitches in a bitter smile as he sees pity appear on his friend's face as Remus sits down in front of him and pulls him into a hug.

He doesn't know when the smile disappears only to be replaced by silent tears. The only thing he knows is that he isn't alone and there is someone who understands how he really feels about this.

So he clutches Remus closer and let the tears flow though he never lets out any noise. Remus seems to understand the need for silence and tactfully doesn't break it.

He doesn't know how much time has passed with both of them sitting on floor with his face buried in the crook of Remus neck and the werewolf's hands rubbing soothing circles on his back. But by the time he peels himself away from Remus the sun had risen making him wince at the intensity.

"Moooony! Why didn't you close the blinds yesterday? You knew we would be wasted today and in no condition to bear any light." Sirius cries out dramatically as he tries to shield his eyes from the bright rays of sunlight entering through the huge windows.

Remus stares at him for a moment and Sirius is sure that he is about to be questioned.

"I didn't get sloshed you did. So don't you think it was your duty to make sure that nothing troubled you?" Remus stands up and smirks at Sirius.

He feels a wave of relief and gratitude wash over him as his friend doesn't address the issue and merely played along with him.

"But Mooony! You have to take care of me! You can't expect me to do everything by myself!"

"Oh? You mean the same way I am expected to do everything around here?" Remus quips back making his way towards the bathroom. Sirius makes sure to grumble loudly and is rewarded by laughter for his effort.

He feels a small smile slide in his face.

He may never love Remus as much as he loves James but he feels relieved knowing that there is someone who has his back and who gets him.

And for now that's enough.

* * *

Of course this isn't happening. He had a lot of nightmares before and this is one of them.

But none of the nightmares ever felt this real before.

He wonders if he is in the state of Lucid Dreaming since he is aware that he is in a dream. He could smell the death in the air and feel the stillness around him. There is something surreal about it.

It isn't until his sees the body that it comes to him that it isn't a dream.

Because in his dreams James always died a bloody but heroic death with his wand in his hand and a triumph expression on his face.

This James is wandless and he had a determined expression on his face.

He stops at the door; staring and studying the body- his best friend- lying on the floor with his arms spread eagle shaped. Sirius enters the house quietly before dropping to the floor beside his best friend's body.

An inhumane sound erupts from his throat. It is more like the sound Padfoot would emit than any human.

He could hear wailing from the stairs above but he could not, he just couldn't bear to leave behind James just yet. He registers somewhere in his shattered mind and broken heart that this may just be the last time he would get to see the man he loved the most in this world.

But the wailing manages to pierce through his grief and he stumbles upstairs without a backward glance at the body of his best friend.

 _(Because Merlin knew, that wouldn't be able to stop himself from breaking down if he looked at him once again)_

He feels a crippling sense of helplessness when he sees Lily lying on the ground with her brilliant emerald eyes empty and blank. She may have taken James away from him but she had also been one of the few people who understood him.

And in the crib, still crying, is Harry. Sirius freezes as he stares at the baby who is beginning to quiten down after seeing him, most probably recognizing him as Uncle Paddy as James often called Sirius.

At that moment, Sirius thinks that it is fucking unfair that James had to die, is dead, while his son had escaped with no visible injuries.

Maybe it is the Black in him who thinks so but for a few moments he cannot help but hate the baby. Harry is the reason James is dead and Sirius isn't sure if he will be able to ever forgive the boy.

It is only after a few more minutes of silence as Harry's walls died down did Sirius gather his wits and realize what he is doing.

He blinks in horror before rushing towards the crib and picking up the boy. The boy gurgles and laughs, not understanding the situation. Sirius makes his way to the front of the house, his head bowed low. He lets his eyes drift close as he passes Jam- no, the body - on his way out.

Then Hagrid comes. And as much as he wishes to hold Baby Harry by his side he concedes that Dumbledore would be more suited to protect him than Sirius.

And Sirius had just remembered something that had to be done.

Peter Pettisgrew.

* * *

Of course he ends up in Azkaban. And while he has no doubt that he deserves the fate it is still had to bear. Especially when he remembers the fact that he could have stopped it.

He might have killed Wormtail but he finds no satisfaction in it.

The world believes him to be a killer and he can't blame them. He might as well kill them himself. He often wonders how Harry is and what he must be like and if he is like James but he knows that he will never have the chance to see the boy ever again.

But the worst parts are the memories.

Marlene dying.

Gideon and Fabian dying.

James spread eagle shaped on the floor of their house, his hazel eyes blank.

He closes his eyes and changes into Padfoot and while that eases the pain a little he still feels the sting.

He resigns himself to a life with the Dementors but that is before the Minister comes with the Daily Prophet. And while he doesn't glance at it until after the Minister leaves, he immediately recognizes the rat on the front page.

He turns into Padfoot and growls and howls because while he doesn't mind going to prison for the death of Potters, he feels he has failed them again by letting Pettisgrew live.

So he decides that he will not fail this time an even though he knows he is headed towards Dementors kiss by doing so he escapes and starts his hunt for the rat.

He goes from alley way to alley way feasting on rats and other small rodents trying not to think too deep about how they taste. He thinks to going directly to the Weasleys but the pull towards his godson is stronger so he goes to the place be remembers Lily once mentioning her sister lives in.

He doesn't expect to see Harry so soon but there the boy stands, with his suitcase in one hand and wand in the other.

Sirius takes his time and studies the boy.

And he is hit with an onslaught of memories more painful than the ones he gets in Azkaban.

Because those are the sad and terrible ones he deserves to see. He can fool himself into thinking that his whole life was a misery and Azkaban was no worse. But then the memory he sees when facing his godson nearly makes him collapse.

James.

James introducing himself.

James grinning and laughing and smiling like nothing will ever go wrong.

James zooming around on the Quidditch Pitch, the wind tousling his hair.

James with a sparkle in his eye after a successful prank.

James with eyes deeper than oceans and smile bigger than stars.

James.

Then the Knight Bus arrives and Sirius melts back into the shadows ready to lick his wounds.

Though he knows that the scars will never fade away.

* * *

It hurts to think that his best friend also thinks he killed James.

He sees the guilt in Remus eyes as they hug but that doesn't make him feel better.

The only thing that may ease the pain is taking his revenge on Pettisgrew.

But Harry's words stops his short.

 _("My dad wouldn't want you both to turn into murderers!")_

It hurts more because Sirius knows it is true.

James had always been the forgiving one of the group. It had been him who had first forgiven Sirius after the prank he had played on Snape and he had also convinced Remus to forgive and forget. James had been the one who sat with them late at night and assured them that everything would be alright and even if they were fighting a war they still had each other's back.

And while James would hate Peter for taking away the time with their son he would understand why he did it and forgive him for it.

But Sirius is not James.

He is a Black through and through no matter how much he tries to deny it and a Black never forgives or forgets.

But it is the look on Remus face that stops him and holds him back.

And when he meets Remus's eyes he knows that while he may probably regret the decision in the future, for now, it is the right thing to do.

In honor of James memory if nothing else.

* * *

He doesn't want to die.

Not anymore.

He has something to live for and while he misses James terribly he owns James.

So he is going to take care of Harry.

But life doesn't work the way mortals wished it would and Sirius finds him at the end of Bella's wand as she growls and fires spell after spell.

He is laughing and grinning because for the first time in forever he feels free.

Because after a long time he has something to live for, something to love and cherish.

The smile stays frozen on his face as the spell from her wand hits him directly on his chest and he starts to fall backwards.

He thinks about the fact that people often say that in the last moments, your life often flashes in front of your eyes.

But he doesn't see a single thing except the dark ceiling of the Department of Mysteries as his body starts to fall through the veil.

He thinks about how ironic it is that he is dying when he decided to live and how disappointed James will be in him and how is has failed his best friend once again.

But he also cannot control the small part in him that is happy to be dying; that is happy about the fact that he may get a chance to meet James again.

James not Harry.

 _(Despite what Remus says about him confusing Harry with James he knows that there is no way he would be able to confuse them both)_

 _(Harry is Lily with James face)_

So he ends up dying with a smile on his face even as he leaves behind his godson.

 _(Because he trusts Remus not to fail and take better care of Harry than he had been able to take)_

And he knows that everything will turn out alright

 **Author Notes: The ending is a bit abrupt but i couldn't find a place to end it properly. I know it concentrates mostly on James and Sirius one sided love and I didn't add Regulus in it but its mostly because its my first time writing so I thought to keep it simple.**


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